Gligar: Legendary Pokemon Warrior of Sorts
by KoshKing777
Summary: A criminal force known as The Axis of Evil sits poised to conquer all of Johto...and only The Pink Bat, a superhero-wannabe Gligar, possesses the ability and cunning to bring them down. Contains Crackfic elements at times. Rated T for Innuendo, Violence


A/N: Hello, dear reader! This is a new story I was suddenly (quite randomly) inspired to make. This story follows The Pink Bat, a Pokemon superhero with nothing to show for it. I'm going for a lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek atmosphere, but the story, for what it is, is being taken seriously for the most part. Eventually, the series will evolve into a sort of Harem Anime-ish plotline, with Pink (the titular protagonist) being pursued by five female Pokemon, although the main focus will be on a large-scale battle that is unfolding throughout Johto.

On a side note, in my spare time I'm also working on a novel (which I why I haven't posted anything for a long time), so updates may have large breaks between.

Rating: T, for Violence, Liberal Sexual Innuendo, Mild Language

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing to do with any aspect of the Pokemon series.

* * *

Gligar: Legendary Pokemon Warrior of Sorts

**Chapter 1 – The Secret Life of The Pink Bat**

"Professor Fairy? Can we hear the story about the Pink Bat again?" a toddler Pichu bellowed ferociously.

"My, my," Fairy the Clefairy retorted, used to this sort of violent energy from a young Pichu. "That is one of my favorite stories. But you've already heard it so many times…I wouldn't want to wear out its…"

"Tell me, tell me, tell me NOW!!!" was the mouse's response.

'DAMN IT! I HATE THIS STORY!' Fairy thought in anger to herself. She didn't dare go against the Pichu's will, however, for he was the offspring of the incredibly influential Raichu aristocrat Baghead III, who wore a bag on his head from time to time. "Now, gather round, children! It's story time!"

All the young Pokemon and a Mawile hobbled obediently over as the Pichu bounced up and down on its tail. Several exclaimed, "Death to all who oppose me!"

"Alright, long, long ago…in a world quite far away from ours, there was a colony of desperate Pokemon called Gligar, who are now extinct. This is the story of their one last great warrior, a legend even when standing vaguely by other legends! His name was…THE PINK BAT!"

The entire class cheered for their brain-dead hero as Fairy started her fabrication-laced tale.

* * *

_In a Cavern Near Blackthorn City Besides the Ice Cave_

Once upon a time, a Gligar was born that was slightly…different than the others. Instead of feeling confined by the typical Gligarian obsession with razor fangs and everything related to them, he felt instead a calling to Justice! There was no end to the justice he felt called to.

So while the other Gligar children sat in class throughout their schooling days and drew pornographic razor fangs with colored pencils, he instead drew pictures of a superhero cloaked in pink saving many damsels in many varieties of distress.

It came to pass one day that Gligar fell asleep.

The next day, his mother, well-known for her highly-sought-after violet complexion, came to see what he was doing.

"Pink! Pink the Bat!" she called at his pillow-covered form, for Pink the Bat was his name.

"No…snow…ice..." he murmured, cowering in fear at the prospect of coldness.

"Pink the Bat, get your butt out of bed!" his mother snapped, and he shot straight up into the air. As he hovered stylishly back down to the mattress, she asked, "Why weren't you at the Razor Fang worship ceremony today? All night long, all the young male Gligars had the honor of licking the sacred, jagged edge of the Razor Fang statue…and you NEVER came! I was so looking forward to seeing you lick it…" she sniffled.

"Mother," he said in a soothing tone. "Why don't you see? Our tribe's obsession with that Razor Fang is…messed up. There is nothing wrong with just being a Gligar…we have great power and nobility of our own!"

She stared at him in fury. "ARE. YOU. JOKING!? I've been paying for your education all this time, and you still haven't learned that the ONLY reason for a Gligar to live is to get a Razor Fang of your own? "

"That's…what I'm talking about," Pink said, sweatdropping.

"You're the one that's messed up! I hope you never get a Razor Fang!" and with that, she swept out of the room.

Pink giggled and rummaged around in his drawers to produce…the holiest of holies, the PINK SUIT!! He got into it.

"Now it's time to patrol!" he announced to Peter, his imaginary friend. With that, he grabbed his signature sickle and throwing darts and made to sweep out of the cavern.

Unfortunately, he ran into Zigma, the leader of the warrior pack of Gliscors, the three of whom provided the food for the tribe. However, Zigma enjoyed being a bully, and got no end of joy and fascination from beating Pink to a pulp whenever he got the chance.

Pink cowered at the feet of the three Gliscor warriors. "H-hey guys, how's it going…"

"Well, would you look at this, boys?" Zigma laughed. "It's the village loony, off to pose in his pink pajamas in Blackthorn! HA! What a little bitch!"

"Hehe, Pink the Bat, what a stupid name," one of his cronies chuckled.

Pink laughed along as best he could, before trying to defuse the tension. "Um, if you'll just let me go, I promise I won't cause any trouble…"

The three Gliscors laughed and began Mega Kicking him over and over again, each impact knocking blood from Pink's mouth. Pink lay sprawled on the wall and Zigma towered over him, cloaked in shadow.

"You're a little bitch, aren't you, Pink?"

"Yes."

"Say it! Say you're a little bitch!"

"I-I'm a little bitch!"

Zigma bared his fangs in fury and slammed Pink's head back into the wall. "YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!?"

"No."

"You know what I do to people that make fun of me?!?" Zigma popped open a switchblade. "I cut 'em. Ain't that right, boys?"

Pink was shaking in fear as the boys began suggesting body parts to carve off. "Cut off his wing!" one suggested. "Slice out his tongue!" the other guffawed.

Before Zigma could make his own suggestion, a crystal-clear female voice reverberated across the cavern. "Enough! Let him go, Zigma!"

"Chalice!" All three Gliscors said in hushed tones, feeling blessed to be able to speak her sacred name. Chalice was the village hottie (this title had been voted on democratically), a sky-blue Gligar who had a body made to melt the minds of Flyscorpion Pokemon everywhere. She was the only celebrity Gligar to ever gain much media attention, having posed in many magazines and films over the past five years. As such, there were few people more highly-regarded in the community than her. Many a young Gligar would propose to her with the gift of a Razor Fang, but she would always turn them down.

Pink dropped to the ground and felt his bruised throat, trying to recover as fast as possible from his terror so as to avoid further humiliation and confrontation.

"Chalice, Chalice, we were just having a nice chat with our good friend Pink," the fiend said, gesturing dramatically.

"You're slime, Zigma. I hope one day something unspeakable happens to you."

"My gorgeous honey has such a caustic sense of humor!" Zigma squealed.

"I was serious," she said coldly. "Go jump off a cliff."

Unthreatened, Zigma sneered and slapped her loudly on the ass. "Don't forget, you and your body belongs to me, sweetie." Before he went to the Razor Fang Worship Temple, he yelled back to Pink, "Pink, next time I see you…" he left the threat hanging, ostensibly because he wanted to make it more threatening, but in actuality because he was too stupid to think up a good threat.

After Pink had made sure he wasn't going to throw up again like he sometimes did in times of panic, he slowly looked up…right under Chalice's skirt.

"OH, RAZOR FANG!" he cursed, blushing deeply and covering his eyes, kneeling to the floor in apology. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were…"

Chalice gently pulled him up by the shoulder, smiling at him warmly. "Are you okay, kid?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Pink returned, unable to look in her eyes at all. His body was turning more and more red, and his control over his bladder was slipping as well.

"Well…that's good…I, um…didn't see you at the ceremony?" Chalice asked him very softly.

Pink was approaching volcanic red by this point and sweating profusely. 'Why is she still here?!? What could such a goddess possibly want with me? I…HAVE to hold in…my pee…'

"Yeah, I…don't really believe in all that Razor Fang worship stuff," he said, finally making eye contact with her, albeit guiltily and very briefly.

"I think I understand. You want to get by on your own, natural strength. I think that's really admirable," was her very serious response.

'OH MY GOD! I really AM going to pee! In front of the most famous, most gorgeous woman EVER created!' Pink nodded curtly.

"Wow, that's really cool! I'm exactly the same-"

"Gotta go! I'm on patrol!" Pink screamed in agony, dashing out of the cave at light speed.

"-way. Razor FANG, he's fast!" Chalice gaped after him. 'I wonder if he's gay? He didn't seem even vaguely interested in me…' She snickered to herself. 'I guess it would make sense, since he's called…"

* * *

_Northern Route 45_

"THE PINK BAT!!!" Pink screeched in ecstasy as he peed in sweet release on a pile of Geodudes, all of whom fainted on impact. After he unloaded all the goods, a refreshed, renewed The Pink Bat took off and began patrolling the city of sin in earnest pursuit of justice.

On his way to justice, Pink spied a pale pink Pokemon running through the streets in a panic. Being an awesome person, Pink dove down to meet her.

"Miss?" he asked as the Clefable approached. "What seems to be the problem, Miss?" he asked, but she zipped right past without so much as a hello.

"Wow, she looks freaked out…and sexy…HEY! MISS!" Pink yelled at her, and she screeched to a stop, and looked at him with wide, fearful eyes.

"Look, I mean you no harm," he began, reaching out to her. "I'm a superhero…known around these parts as The Pink Bat!" he posed briefly and then continued his spiel. "If you need any help, then please, don't hesitate to ask!"

The adorable Clefable hesitated, and then meekly approached him. "Please…please help me!" she screamed very softly, coming up and suddenly embracing him tightly.

Pink stood rigid. 'OK Pink, don't get a boner…' he thought to himself. 'You HAVE to stay in control! No boner, no boner, no boner…alright, here we go! Glaciers! Glaciers! Glaciers! Burning Skitty's! Lickitungs! Mutilated Pidgeottos! Okay, whew. Erection cancelled.'

The Clefable pulled away and stared at him with a trembling lip.

"Ummm, are you being followed?" he asked awkwardly.

"Yes…maybe…I don't know." She shivered. "Lately I've just been getting the feeling that, no matter what I do, no matter where I go…someone's watching me."

"Really? I've been feeling the same way recently!" Pink laughed. He truly had been getting a weird "feeling someone's eyes on me" feeling recently.

He summoned his seriousness. "Just a feeling, though? Have you actually seen them?"

"Well…often, I think I can see just a glimpse of a man in black staring at me, but then he immediately disappears when I go to look at him."

"I see," Pink said, his eyebrows furrowing. "Well, I believe you, so don't worry!"

"You do?!?"

"Yeah, how could I not, you're so…" he caught himself and cleared his throat. "Well, I'll definitely keep an eye out for any shady characters around. Are you headed somewhere? I could escort you, if you'd like."

"Well, I wasn't, really…" Clefable said, holding her arms together bashfully. "I…don't really know my way around very well, and I was just…trying to keep moving…"

"I see…" Pink replied. She was easily the most provocatively cute Pokemon he'd ever encountered. But it was not befitting a mind of JUSTICE to think such thoughts about a damsel in distress such as her. "Well…I was about to do my patrol for the night, you know, to fight crime and stuff…"

"Yeah?"

"It might be safer if you came with me! What do you say? That way, I can protect you if someone does come after you."

"Sounds good!" the beautiful Pokemon exclaimed, bouncing up and down (Pink covered his eyes quickly so he wouldn't see too many bounding objects). "Oh, my name's Luna, Mr. Pink Bat."

"Just call me Pink," Pink said warmly, uncovering his eyes, thankful that they had stopped jiggling. He looked to his right and mentioned, "I think she'll be a lot safer this way."

Luna cocked her head. "Who are you talking to?"

"Oh, Peter."

"…huh?!?"

"He's my friend!" Pink exclaimed. He held out his arm for her to take. "Shall we?"

Luna blushed and crossed hers with it, allowing him to lead her into the depths of Blackthorn.

* * *

At length, the pair came to the Move Deleter's run-down shack.

"Why are we at the Move Deleter's place?" Luna asked softly.

"My pad's close by," Pink explained. "I figured people usually come to the Move Deleter a lot, so it wouldn't be too out of their way to stop by my pad and post any crimes they can think of."

"Wow, that's so smart!" Luna praised him, hugging his arm to her chest, causing his eyes to bug out in gynophobia. "You must have a really logical mind!"

"Ah, it-it was nothing," he stammered, and then caught sight of the Move Deleter waving at him from behind his counter.

"BRO!" the Move Deleter exclaimed. "How you been, my man!"

"Not too bad, bro! How bout yourself? How's business!" Pink returned with equal excitement.

"Can't remember!" the Move Deleter responded, and the two broke out in laughter. Luna used Minimize to hide. "You two have yourselves a good night!" the man said, toasting to Pink and knocking back a bottle of Sake.

"You're so brave, Pink!" Luna said as she returned to her normal size. "You talk to humans!?!"

"I find that humans are just like Pokemon, some are good, and some are evil, murderous psychopaths," Pink said philosophically. They came to the wooden signpost he'd made. It read: Pink the Bat's Homebase…Post your crimes here!

He then led her up the makeshift ramp he'd carved to his pad itself, which consisted of a loveseat, a beanbag, a toolbox, and a bulletin board that was empty save for one piece of paper.

"Wow, this place is so cute!" Luna exclaimed. "I think I could even live here!"

'She's gotta stop saying stuff like that,' Pink thought wryly, 'or I'm going to have a heart attack.'

"Feel free to take a seat next to Peter," he said, gesturing to the loveseat. "I'm going to check out the post."

"Okay!" she said cheerily and skipped over to the loveseat, moaning in comfort as she cuddled with the pillow.

Pink was surprised to see an actual crime posted…typically people just wrote mean, harassing, mocking, unspeakable graffiti damning him to hell. But not today!

"Missing Swinub child…lost in Ice Path. He has unique abilities that make him stand out. Responds to 'Mortimer' or 'Poot.' Return to the Piloswine family in Mahogany Town," Pink read the note out loud. "Razor Fang, a missing child case! I'm on this one!" He squinted at the note. "Kind of vague about those 'unique abilities,' though…"

"Pink?"

"What's up?" he asked soothingly to the angel on his loveseat.

"I don't mean to be rude, but…do you have a blanket?"

"Oh, of course!" Pink cried, mentally smacking himself. He kneeled down and produced a The Pink Bat-themed blanket from the toolbox. "And you could never possibly do something that I could find rude, so don't worry about that," he said, injecting as much adoration as possible into his voice.

Luna blushed deeply as she took the blanket from him. "Y-you have your own personalized blanket?" she asked, changing the subject.

His eyes darkened as he smiled cynically. "Yeah…I had a line made for a while…this was the only one sold."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Pink!" she whispered, hugging the blanket to herself as tightly as she could. "I-I would buy at least three of them if I was there…"

"Don't be…and you don't have to lie," he said quietly. "I'm used to people not supporting anything that I do."

A dark silence hung in the room momentarily. "That wasn't a lie…I like to sleep with three blankets, you know…"

Pink looked up, interested. "For what?"

"Th-that's personal!" she said without malice, hiding her face with the blanket.

"Well, um…the missing kid is in the Ice Path, apparently…" he said, walking hesitantly over to Luna.

"Yeah…" She peeked out of the blanket.

"Do you wanna come?"

Her eyes widened. "You're going now?"

Pink sighed, wanting to be the one she was cuddling on that loveseat. "Well…I AM a servant of Justice after all. Besides, the kid's family is counting on me to take him home."

"I-I can come if you want me to…"she said, stifling a yawn.

He kneeled next to her and put a warm hand on her cheek, causing her breath to hitch. "Don't worry about it. If you're tired, you should sleep here! It's the safest place I know."

She averted her eyes. "Pink…st-stay here with me…"

"I can't, sorry," he said, looking at her with sadness in his green eyes. 'Can I kiss her? Should I kiss her? Oh RAZOR Fang, I want to make out with her so bad,' he thought in trepidation. In a fit of braveness, he jerked his head forward…

…a bit too hard.

"OW! What'd you Headbutt attack me for?"

"S-sorry!" he cried, jumping back, his heart aflutter. 'DAMN! Lost my freaking chance!' He turned and looked out to the stars. "Th-there are weapons in the toolbox, should you need them."

"Okay, um…bye I guess?" Luna said as she approached him, wrapped in the The Pink Bat blanket.

"Yeah, later, Luna," he said, turning back to her as she was coming to give him a going-away hug, resulting in a loud smack across her face with the metal of his claw. "OHMYGOD!"

"WHAT THE MOON STONE?!" she roared amidst tears as she looked up at him with a massive claw imprint on her face.

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THERE!"

"WHAT'S YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM?!?"

"THE HELL?!? I WAS GOING TO HELP YOU UP, BUT NOW YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, LUNA!"

"I CAN GET UP ON MY OWN, YOU CHAUVINIST PIG!"

Pink exhaled deeply. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just, you make me so nervous…"

"Ah, I…I make you nervous?" Luna said in hushed tones.

"Yeah. You're the most beautiful girl I've…EVER seen, (WOW, I can't believe I just said that...it doesn't matter now anyway, though) so my brain has been totally absent this whole time. I'm sorry I've been such an idiot…" he looked away out at the city. 'Why do I ALWAYS mess EVERYTHING up I try to do?' he thought with grit teeth.

"Pink, wait, I…I'm sorry…I…"

"No, I'm sorry for being such a Chauvinist Pig. Do what you want. This really is a safe place, though, I wasn't just saying that stuff to get you to stay."

"I…I know, I trust you."

"I'll see you if you're still here when I get back. If not, then, it was a pleasure to meet you," he said. He looked to Peter. "Let's go!" With that, Pink glided off into the Northeastern district of Blackthorn.

"…Pink," Luna whispered, feeling the prickle of eyesight on her body. "Don't leave me alone…"

* * *

A/N: Hope you liked it! I promise that story is coming soon! Please stay tuned, and be sure and tell me what you think!

KoshKing777


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